I Wouldn’t Do That If I Were Me by Jason Gay

1) “To answer the telephone in this day and age is to declare oneself an aristocrat, the kind of person who takes squash lessons on a weekday morning.”

2) “I realized the other day that I have not purchased a pair of pants with a button in more than two years.”

3) “This was early on, when the whole crisis was starting, and you weren’t supposed to hug your parents, or talk to them on the phone for more than five minutes. Those were two things the scientists were worried about, at least initially.”

4) “We have created a world in which people will gorge on twenty-five weekly hours of original scripted comedy and drama but cannot bear the thought of blowing thirty seconds on a brief moment of acknowledgement for the folks who made it possible.”

5) “For instance, with the basement leak, you’re going to have to talk to a Basement Guy, and if the Basement Guy isn’t certain what it is, he’s probably going to ask you to talk to the Roof Guy, and if the Roof Guy isn’t certain, he’s going to point you to the Gutter Guy, and if the Gutter Guy doesn’t know, you repeat all this over with a new Basement Guy.“

6) “The moon is so close! It’s got lots of beautiful places! And the public is like, ‘I’m not sure. Is there any other place?’ It’s like space Hoboken, New Jersey.”

7) “The truth is the best vacations are more of a vibe than a place or activity.”

8) “I also brought a pillow from home. No, I’m not explaining myself. I like my own pillows.”

9) “You don’t know what goes on behind the scenes with couples before adult birthday parties. But you can be pretty sure there was at least one fight in which the party was briefly canceled.”

10) “I would like to live in a world in which everyone can refrain from reclining, but I accept that we do not live in that world.”